If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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