not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
