and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
