My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm bleeding and have questions
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
