saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
