drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
