# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
