apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
