How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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