i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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