i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize