People with herpes should wear stickers.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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