I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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