Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
