i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Found the puke drawer
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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