It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
