The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
