I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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