Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
