Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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