did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
