There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
