I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
