Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
