I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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