If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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