there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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