Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I touched a dick in church today
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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