last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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