God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
there is glitter all over my balls
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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