1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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