fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize