somebody snuck up and got me drunk
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
