so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
