Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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