I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
