I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
