is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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