Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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