My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
