Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
