Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
