Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
