is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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