I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
