I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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