No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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