i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
pop tarts are not kleenex
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
