ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
