I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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