hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize