Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well you can't waste a boner
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
