no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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