3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
