i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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