What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
