I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
