I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
