You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
