this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize