Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize