I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I party with great urgency now.
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