Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
