So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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