I accidentally had phone sex last night
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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