Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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