we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
