i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
