i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
