You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
