I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
