I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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